a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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