I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
