You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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