The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Im part way to drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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