That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
