Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
