...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
