tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
