We need to rekindle our bromance
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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