just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
