I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
