After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
