I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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