Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
