Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just cropdusted the office
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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