She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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