Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
