In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
