all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
