He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
