Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize