My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
