I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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