Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
