if i can run in heels then i can drive
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize