I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
