i wish starbucks made bloody marys
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
