and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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