I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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