one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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