I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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