in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
