Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
