I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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