Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
