Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
