She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They have beer where we have blood.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
