Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
did i walk over a car last night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
