Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
