Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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