I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
