true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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