I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
