I hate all girls vehemently.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
