I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
