Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
