i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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