I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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