Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
