I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
