all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
