Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
