even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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