Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
