If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize