I can text with my tongue
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
