Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
