If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
