Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
