i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
